I have started to develop bad habits in my quest for improvement, for example I have become so obsessed with what I eat that I constantly under eat to prevent myself from eating the wrong things. There’s a certain point where trying to be healthy becomes an obsession and starts to be harmful. I will go to practice hungry before I consume an extra calorie. And as I read over my words I understand how insane that sounds but I can’t help it, it has come to the point where it is debilitating. I always thought that eating disorders were really only an issue with female athletes but the more I think about it the more I realize that I am in that category—Orthrorexia seems to be what it’s called, the constant search for the perfect diet which doesn’t exist. I feel like I’m permanently in a state of calorie deficiency—just enough to drain my energy levels and disrupt training. I have said it a thousand times before and I’ll say it again, I’m my own worst enemy. I also have a constant need to suppress my weight even though it is probably keeping me from reaching my potential. If the scale doesn’t read 158lb’s or less before a competition than I might as well not jump because my confidence will be shot.
   It feels like just yesterday I was reflecting upon last summer, disappointed that I was “just a little bit short” of the 14.00m mark which has plagued me for so long, with a season’s best of 13.84m. It was at that point last August that I set two goals for myself: 14.40m indoors, 14.50m outdoors. I guess thinking back; I never really expected I would hit those numbers but set them more so I would have an ambition to chase and not relax with less—set your sights high or not at all. I failed to hit either of those numbers; my indoor best was 14.28m and outdoor best a windy 14.38m. Close, but not close enough. Though as I look at where I was last summer and compare it to where I am now I guess the failure I’m feeling may be a little unjust. For I’m still left with hope—hope for something better, hope for the future, hope for success. And at the risk of setting my expectations too high again and finding myself in the same position for the third August in a row, I feel an obligation to set my goals high for the 2012-2013 season as well: 14.80m indoors and 15.00m outdoors. I currently sit 62cm away from that 15.00m benchmark, a challenge no doubt but still not an unrealistic year to year improvement, especially where this year has been the kind of year where everything has gone wrong and I still managed to put on 54cm.
   I guess I should start from the beginning, I came into the indoor season eager, I worked hard getting stronger and really tired to become more efficient. While I am doubtful that I’m technically any better than I was the season before, something must have been working since I opened the year with a pb. At the first meet in November I jumped 13.88m and set a provincial indoor junior record. I was pretty happy with that for a season opener but little did I know that was only the beginning. The next month in Moncton I finally broke the allusive 14.00m barrier for the first time 14.02m as well as broke my own provincial record at my final meet as a junior. 2011 faded into 2012 and my confidence was at an all time high—I don’t think there has been a time before then or since where I was so sure of my abilities. The first meet in the New Year brought the biggest personal best I’ve had in years. I jumped 14.28m and auto-qualified for the CIS (Canadian interuniversity sport) championships in March. Unfortunately there was a price to be paid, on my sixth jump of the day my hamstring decided it was finished and I left limping off the track with a tear in the same spot I had issues last summer. At the time I wasn’t too concerned about it since I was more focused on the pb I just had. Although my hamstring would ultimately be my downfall it was not the day the season swayed against me—that day was yet to come.
   There was another meet scheduled to be in Halifax the next weekend but I had already decided that I wouldn’t be competing even before my hamstring issue since there was another meet scheduled the week after in Montreal which I was more concerned about. And it was the time I spent in Montreal that I feel drove the final nail in the coffin. My hamstring was fine, or at least fine enough that I hadn’t even considered not jumping—I can’t remember now, there might have been some lingering pain but nothing too serious. Over the past few months I had became obsessed with my body weight and before each meet I would cut my salt intake and reduce the residue of food in my stomach as much as possible.  I would lose about 5lb’s in the three days leading up to a meet.
   I’m still not sure exactly what happen but what I do know is that I never made it to the track—I’m not going to speak on the subject too much as I feel I have already spent a great deal of time going over it in my head and have suffered a lifetime worth of ridicule (justified). Of course you could also read about it here. What I think happened was I cut my sodium intake too low and suffered from hyponatremia. I consumed 460mg of sodium which is less than a third of the minimum recommended amount and let’s just say I got quite sick and felt quite stupid.
   The reason why I say I never really recovered from that day was I exhausted a great deal of mental energy tapering for a meet that I didn’t get to compete in. There was four weeks until the next meet after that so I tapered for nothing and then was left with my confidence shattered and no way to redeem myself for nearly a month. Confidence shattered, that’s an understatement. It took me two days to get over the physical effects of the sickness but I still haven’t got my confidence back. I’m hoping I get it back sometime between now and next season. Up until that point I had been invincible, three straight pb’s and seemingly still improving. 
   February was a long and cold month if I have ever seen one, I spent those four weeks not refining the already developed motor patterns and power that had been developed through the year but instead spent the time worrying about how I was going to get back to where I was and surpass it. I continued my obsession with my body weight, consuming 2200-2300  calories through the week and binging on the weekends as my body tried to maintain a caloric balance.When I finally did compete again I felt flat and jumped a measly 13.82m—I was not pleases at all, especially considering it was the final meet before nationals. I didn’t think things could get any worst.
   They did. I tore my hamstring at the very next practice (same spot) and then just when it was starting to feel fine again I tore it again the day before leaving for Winnipeg. I spent the three days before the competition sitting in the hotel room icing and lightly stretching. I was seeded sixth going in and it was very possible that a pb would get me on the podium. I was hopeful but unfortunately I was probably 2-3 days away from competing. I tried to do a runway but could feel an unbelievable amount of tension in my leg. When I tried again it was clear that there was no possible way I could pb—the best I could hope for was to maybe get a short approach jump in and maybe pick up a point or two for my school.
   So there I was, round one of the meet I had been training for since late August. I started to run towards the board at about ¾ quarter speed, my only intention to at least make the pit. When my foot hit the board and I tried to take-off I let out an agonizing screech and griped my hamstring in pain. Clearly ¾ speed was not going to work. So there I was, round two of the meet I had been training for all season I came in at about half speed, hit the board and… Let out the same pitiful noise and bailed on the hop. And so the season ended, my official distance at nationals: fault, fault, pass. I was not in the best of moods on the way back—there’s nothing worse than being half way around the country and knowing that there’s a long flight home to come with nothing to do but think about it. Perhaps the only reason I was able to keep my sanity was because I seemed to find something else to keep my mind occupied with but I won’t get into that.
   Two days later I started training for the outdoor season, I started off with lingering hamstring issues but by the end of March they went away and I haven’t really had any major injuries since. I got strong quick, maybe too quick but it didn’t seem to cause any imbalances. I spent the spring/summer training on my own, which I soon began to realize could be a long and lonely road. I also began to realize that I didn’t know half of what I thought I knew and ended up with not much of a training program at all. The confidence that I lost over the winter still hadn’t returned and I didn’t trust myself—instead of sticking to the original program I had written up I kept wavering back and forth, deciding to do something else then go back to it, try something else, go back to it, ect. ect. In the end I didn’t really get anything done as the results show.
   For some reason I felt the need to cut my carb intake dramatically, I still don’t know why I ever thought that would make me a better jumper—I think my train of thought was that after I lost 100lb’s of fat I would jump 1000m. My body fat percentage did go down… by about 0.5% to roughly 6.0% (five site skin-fold, very inaccurate) but my performance dropped even more significantly. I had trouble getting out of bed in the morning and working out was a chore. I wasn’t having fun anymore because I knew just walking to the track was going to burn all the energy I had available. I remember one day in May I thought to myself, “what am I doing to myself? Why am I forcing myself to feel miserable and expecting something positive to come of this? I ruined the whole season didn’t I?”
   Yep. I never really developed as I should have in the spring and I think the best analogy of what happened next was trying to build a house without a foundation. My testing numbers kind of stagnated as did my short approach jumps. From about May to August I didn’t really improve physically at all. The stagnated progress combined with trying to compete five weeks in a row was a recipe for disaster. Maybe disaster isn’t the right word but “mediocre”.
   I was trying to peak at the end of June (which is really early) because that’s when Olympic trials were. I then tried to maintain until August which was when my last meet of the season was.  Here’s a summary of each meet this season.



May Warm-up Meet: May 22-Pre-season meet where I experimented with using a double arm take-off on the hop-phase. I  jumped 13.40m and quickly put that idea to rest for good. Nearly a meter off my pb, even though it was early it still didn't help my already fragile confidence.

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Valley Athletics Open June 16-13.66m--Faulted one 14.00m on the dot but still felt pretty rusty. It wasn’t the best day, the wind was sporadic and I felt flat.



NB Legion Trials June 23-14.38m-I only took three jumps since Olympic trials were the next weekend and it was in the pouring rain. I was somewhat happy, it was the farthest I had ever jumped but the wind was 3.2m/s so I should have been jumping farther. At least it was over 14.00m again.



Olympic Trials June 30-I really wanted to set a big pb at Olympic trials in Calgary but I was flat and nervous and fell short of my goal 14.13m. I wasn’t used to competing in the heat since Nova Scotia hadn’t warmed up yet. Also, I didn’t have much to do during the meet but sit around so  I felt kind of lazy.



Aileen Meagher July 7-Tried to long jump for the first time in over a year, 6.35m opener and felt tension in my hamstring on the second jump so I stopped. I think I could have jumped 6.70m’s, 6.80m’s if I continued but that’s still not very far.



NS Championships July 14-Clearly too many meets in a row, 13.70m. Just had no “pop” whatsoever. Dissapointing but not really suprising.



Atlantic Championships-August 5-I was hoping for a pb since I took three weeks between meets but I came up short. 14.30m with a monster wind. That was earlier today and I’m still disappointed about it but not surprised considering how bad the year has gone. I feel like that’s all I am right now, a 14.00m-14.40m jumper and what I need is to go back into base training and work my way back up to the next level.

   I would sell my soul for another couple of centimeters. All I want to be is a triple jumper and I’m willing to sacrifice anything to make it to the next level. Ever since I started track in grade nine I have had one dream—to make a national team and 14.38m isn’t going to cut it. Even fifteen meters, my fantasy, isn’t going to cut it. No, to achieve my dream it’s going to take something in the 16.00m range. What can I give up to get there? I will put on hold any type of social life, any thoughts of romantic endeavors--I won’t touch an ounce of alcohol (not that I do anyway) and won’t eat a single misplaced calorie if that’s what it would take.
   What disturbs me the most is knowing that no matter how physically able I become—I could be the best triple jumper in the whole wide world—I’m still going to have to stand at the end of the runway before the most important jump of my life and I’m going to be faced with the largest obstacle imaginable… My own mind. I am going to have to face the doubt that plagues me before every jump and worry about pointless details. Most of all I am going to have to overcome my fear of success. Whenever I get close to where I want to be I seem to subconsciously do something to make sure I don’t achieve my goals. If nothing else, I want to learn how to control my mind this upcoming season because I can’t find a way to overcome my own negatively I don’t think I’ll ever reach the level I want to but If I can learn to control my nervous energy and focus it in a productive manner I believe that I will be able to get over the 15.00m mark next season.
   Tomorrow I rest, the next day is the start of a new year.